Wanting to be a better parent is not an overnight change. It takes a long time and you have to stick to what you are doing religiously. Now we are in Part 3. There were two topics we discussed in the class this evening - transition and the ‘when-then’ statement. During the class, the facilitator stressed on ‘How to get attention in socially appropriate ways’. So how do the kids know what is the appropriate ways? We have to teach them by modeling to them by interaction between the people in your household.
Transition
This is good to use when you are trying to get a child to move from one activity to another. It may be difficult to adapt to change immediately but if you prepare them ahead of time, hopefully it will be easier. It works like a warning to them and with that warning, they will know what is coming up next.
Here are some examples: (get down to their eye level to communicate with them)
“Brandon, in 5 minutes it will be time for bed.”
“Brandon, in 10 minutes we will all sit by the dining table and have dinner together.”
You can always test them to see if they get your message by asking question immediately after you gave them the transition.
Mom: “Brandon, in 5 minutes it will be time for bed.”
Brandon: “OK.”
Mom: “What are we goin to do in 5 minutes?”
Brandon: “Time for bed?”
Mom: “Wow, you have a good memory!” (praise for good behavior)
When-then Statement
Do you want your child to grow up having responsible behaviors? Of course we do. But how do we teach them to be responsible? We can give them chores to do, have them help during dinner time, or any simple chores around the house that appropriate for the child’s age.
Responsibility –> Priviledge/Reward
This is like a roadmap. When you do this and then you will get this. This will also teach the child ‘delayed gratification‘. Isn’t it good for the child to learn not be able to get what he/she wants instantly? That’s delayed gratification. Remember this, food, clothing, shelter and love cannot be used as a reward or priviledge. These are what we refered to as entitlement. The facilitator mentioned that with food as reward, it is a bit tricky and depending on the situation. He said he usually offer to ’share’ an ice-cream with the child instead of giving the child the whole ice-cream. In that way, the child learns to share food with another person.
Here are some example of the when-then statements:
Child: “I want to eat ice-cream.”
Mom: “When you finished your dinner, then you can have ice-cream.”
Child: “I want to go outside.”
Mom: “When you pick up all your toys, then you can go outside.” You have to find a reward/priviledge that enticing to your child. You know your child best. And if he kept asking for ice-cream before he finishes the food, you have to mean what you say and kept repeating over and over again the same statement. Do not negotiate with them. When you open your room for negotiation, the child will know and he/she may do it again the next time.
First few times, you need to set up a when-then statement that has high probability of working so that the child understand what it means. There are plenty of opportunities for you to use this when-then statement, but sometimes you just don’t know it. So pay more attention to your child and whenever he/she is asking for certain things, try to sneek in the when-then statement. Eventually, you will find yourself using this more and more each day.
Continue to spend a special time each day with your child, it doesn’t have to be long. It is the quality that counts and not the quantity. Also remember to catch them being good and praise them for that good behavior.
Will see if I am really up to it.
